My Prayer.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep
if I should die, before I wake
I pray the Lord, my soul to take

Now I lay me down to sleep
You put your hands where she shouldn't be
From this day I will be filled with and fuelled by hate
My innocence was never yours to take.

Homecoming

            I’ll never forget the day she came home. I opened the door and she was just standing there with bags in her hands and sunglasses shielding her eyes. It had been raining all day, but I didn’t mind. I threw my arms around her and she winced. All I could think of was at least she was home. At last I could keep her safe now.

            She didn’t want to take her sunglasses off, she couldn’t have been able to see, but I didn’t want to pester her so I left her to it, which was always my problem. Not wanting to lose her. I almost did, about a month or so before.

            She was rubbing the marks on her wrists, from the handcuffs, which were concealed under her long sleeves. She said the officers didn’t take too kindly to what she had been accused of, and they didn’t apologise when they found out that the allegations were all lies – she would never have raised her hand, unlike her accuser, who was released without charge, and not even a caution – Justice!

            I wondered just how many wounds, burns and bruises she was hiding from me. I poured her a cup of tea and sat in front of her. She reached for the sugar. I never made it sweet enough for her. As she stretched, her wrist became naked of her long sleeves that were the accessory of her secrecy. I saw the hospital identification tag, with her name and date of birth printed on it. The day I had so many hopes and dreams for my little girl. She was 19 on this day, and so far, none of these hopes or dreams had become a reality. Only nightmares for the both of us.

            The last thing I wanted was for her to end up with someone like her father. End up like me. I tried to protect her. She wouldn’t listen. She never did. But that’s just what teenagers do, isn’t it?

            I could have done more. I should have done more. I could have stopped her going out. Made her change schools, that’s where they were seeing each other. I could have taken her phone. But it turns out she had a secret one all along. I should have locked her in her room and locked all the windows. But then I’d be as bad as her father. He did all that, but it never stopped her.

            She gets her stubbornness from me, he says. Je seems to think all her flaws come from her. Only the good stuff could ever come from him, in his eyes. She definitely has his temper. I’m surprised she was never in and out of prison like he was at her age. But she has a heart of Gold.

            She told me she had never raised a hand, and never would, to her now ex-girlfriend. I know when she’s lying. That’s how I know it was the truth.

I’d dropped the teaspoon onto the table with a clatter, and she flinched and began shaking. It would take a lot to get used to her new anxiety disorder. The psychologist said that it was all to be expected after what she’s been through. I went to hug her, but she recoiled. I knew then, that things would never be the same.

The End

I’m stuck in this hell /

An eternal nightmare /

I scream ‘til I faint and nobody even cares /

They say “Shut up, you’re fine” /

But inside I’m slowly dying /

I don’t know why I’m breathing /

I don’t know why I’m trying /

Why don’t I just quit, that’s it, I’m done /

I’m ‘bout to blow my head off point blank with this gun /

And when the sun comes up, I’ll be gone /

But everyone will laugh and play /

For them, it’s just a normal day /

Cock back the chamber and wait /

Savour my last moments before my escape /

Click … Click …

Boom …

My Life

I’ve rolled thru this life /

Of trouble and strife /

Back when I had beef I’d just take a knife /

Step to them and slice /

Bring back the blade and dice /

But at the end it was me who paid the price /

Got held up in a heist /

At gunpoint, coulda got shot, coulda died /

Wouldn’t have the chance to say bye bye /

To my family, all cuz of one guy /

Not I ain’t even gonna lie /

Cuz I can not deny /

That my /

Legs were shakin’ the whole damn time /

The words of blasphemy, they were all mine /

I didn’t know that later I’d turn to organised crime /

I always pretended that I was fine /

Ever since the shit that happened when I was nine /

When I had to go away and pine /

For my dead cousin, I would have done anything for a sign /

That God was real, I heard it through the grapevine /

She was struck down with AIDS /

After her boyfriend paid /

For sex and passed it onto her, had another killed in a raid /

But he got what was due /

And you will too / …

Loneliness (Feb 11th 2003)

Tomorrow I’ll be thirteen

Looking at the past in another day dream

Staring out a window of this crowded house

But sitting silent in a lonely room

You're a Mystery

I laid awake all of last night thinking about you

Of all the things I should say and what I should do

I don’t need to spell it out, you know how I feel

I know you’re feeling like this is unreal, but it’s the real deal

I don’t understand you; you’re a mystery to me

Can’t you see I’m not like everybody else?

I would only ever wanna make you happy, safe from pain

How many others could confidently make that claim?

Michael

I don’t know why I’m crying so much

I didn’t know him that well, but

Now I’ll never get the chance

Never get the chance.

The room is so quiet and so cold

People are talking about times of old

All I can do is imagine

All I have is my imagination

As soon as we met, it was like we clicked

Conversation ran free, no need for a kick start

We could have talked forever, but time was limited

Time is forever limited

Our time runs out all too quick

And I am full of regret

It’s true what they say, strike while the iron is hot

I wish I had struck while the iron was hot

I feel as if I’ve been walking through a never-ending maze

All my life, stumbling over everything, confused and in a daze

It took this day to bring me closer to the centre, tranquillity

Why does it take something so horrible, to bring us closer to tranquillity?

Why does it take something so horrible to bring us together?

Mornings.

I wake up feeling like there’s an earthquake in my head

I have to get up, although I’d rather stay in bed

But if I stay any longer, it’ll just get worse

I’m tired of being cursed.

I walk around in a daze most of the day

The only thing I notice is the movement of the pain

From my head to my neck and down into my back

I don’t really know what’s going on, my senses are out of whack.

Sat in a lecture but it’s not sinking in

Fighting a mental battle that I will never win

My tutor’s lips are moving, but I can’t hear a sound

The hour’s up – I step into the crowd.

I fade away into anonymity

Stuck in my prison, it’s easy to see

The pain fuels the depression,

And my depression is my poison.

A Simple Decision

            I sat outside on a park bench, staring through the windows of the building in front of me. People were walking around in the business of the High Street on a Saturday afternoon, but I had no idea of what any of them looked like. Im not blind, I was just concentrating, and concentrating hard.

            So many thoughts were running through my head. I was thinking of the consequences to the actions I would take, when I picked one of the two possibilities. If I picked the first, I would still have exactly the same problems. If I picked the second, all my problems would be solved.

            But if my family found out I was sat here, thinking about doing this, then id lose them, again. My wife, my kids, for good. Everything that I love. We are finding it hard to cope. Im not around as much as my kids would like me to be. But, if I cut down on my hours at work, we will struggle to pay the bills. We struggle enough.

When my David was born, I saw that such a little thing would need taking care of, and when I saw his face, I made him a promise. I swore that I would give him whatever he wanted. Keep him safe. How can I keep him safe when him never around? How can I give him whatever he needs when I can barely pay the bills?

I’m about to make the biggest decision of my life. It’s a gamble, but I like my odds.

The Reason Life Changed Forever

December 3^rd

            When we got back, she walked straight into the bedroom. I made her a cup of tea and went to give it to her, but the door was locked. I knocked softly, but there was no reply. I left the cup outside the door, in case she changed her mind.

            I went and laid on the sofa, sinking into the cushions. They were really soft, but not soft enough. I wanted them to swallow me whole, transport me to a parallel universe, where everything was still perfect. It’s cliché to say I felt like the Earth had been ripped out from underneath my feet. But that’s exactly how I felt. God knows how she felt.

            I lay there, stuck in a daydream, my mind replaying what had happened. After a while, my eyes drifted onto the bags of gifts we had been given just days earlier. Boxes and gift bags full of stuff we would now never get to open. We wouldn’t be able to bear it. But, when we were ready, we would give them all back, in the vain hope that they had kept their receipts. It would be the least of their worries, but though.

--

December 11th

            We’ve had phone calls and messages ‘just to see how you guys are. Call me, please?’ We’ll get texts and voicemails from both of our families, and all of our close friends, and yet, nearly all of them sound exactly the same. No originality. Just because they don’t understand. They could never understand.

            Visitors at the door come with Pyrex dishes of lasagne, casseroles, and other meals to ‘save you from cooking’, we would reluctantly ask for them to come in, just out of politeness. They would say yes, and just walk in. Can’t they see we just want to be alone?

            They take one look at the mess and I can tell, they feel even more uncomfortable. They even try and tidy up for us. That gets Jen agitated. She shouts at them to get out and leave us alone. Of course, they’re sympathetic and try to apologise, but that’s not enough.

April 27^th

            They’ve forgotten about us. They’ve moved on with their lives. Jack and Sarah are getting married, and my sister is pregnant. We didn’t find out from them though. We found out through Twitter and Facebook. We haven’t heard from them in weeks. We haven’t received an invitation to the wedding, and I have no idea when Mel’s baby is due. Even the bar invitations stopped after half a dozen of our excuses.

            While they’re moving on, we’re still stuck in the past. The snow is gone, the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west, the birds still sing in the morning, and the foxes still rag the bin bags at night; but we are still stuck in the past.

May 11^th

            Jen and I barely speak these days. She took her ring off two weeks ago because she ‘was washing my hands’ but she hasn’t put it back on since. I can’t really expect anything less when we haven’t even slept in the same room for almost six months.

            I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love her, but I can’t see hoe we can move on. When I try to talk to her about what happened, we just start arguing. She blames me, and I’ll admit, I’ve blamed her in the past. It’s hard for us to believe that neither of us is to blame, that this wasn’t either of our faults.

            Jen quit her job, so we’re struggling with the bills. I now work a seven day week, just so we can make ends meet. The hustle and bustle of a city is completely different to our flat when I get back. Complete silence, unless the TV is on.

            We don’t leave the flat together unless it’s to do the food shopping, or to our therapy appointments. Other than those two trips a week, she doesn’t leave the flat at all. At least, I don’t think she does.

            I spend hours at night, when I think she’s asleep, just remembering how we used to be. Nights curled up in front of the TV, comfortable and content. How could this happen? We were told it wasn’t anything we did, or didn’t do, so what was it?

            Could it have been the mobile phone masts nearby? Maybe it was all the E numbers we eat, were we getting enough exercise? I just don’t know. Our doctor said that only time will tell if we could try again, but first, we need to save our relationship.

A Token of Hope

I hear the words you whisper to me

Your voice is distorted

My vision is blurred, but i can still see

A world without you would be a corrupted

You’re saying that without me, you’re nothing

That can not be true

You have no idea what you bring

To this world of violence and crime

I’ll send you a white dove

In the hope you dont send back a black rose.

An Apology – 20/02/2011 @ 9.21pm

When I look into your eyes

I can see your pain.

So let me in,

I can take the strain.

I’m the reason

That you feel this way.

Let me prove I am sorry

And make everything okay.

I know what I did was wrong

I know I’m a hypocrite.

But I wish I could take it back.

I treated you like shit.

I witnessed something

That shook my very foundations.

So I lashed out,

Didn’t hand out a chance to explanation.

I refuse to lie to you.

I did want to get you back

For what I thought you did to me

But my intuition was way out of whack.

You and me were always two of a kind.

You were always there, I just didn’t realise

Up until recently. I’ve been so blind!

The depth of your feelings were more than just a surprise.

I was the one in your “Grenade”

Until one day I woke up inside.

You tried to change yourself, so I would notice, but I love you “Just the way you are”

And I now feel the same “When we collide”

I shouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion

I made like Jack in The Shining

I fucked everything up

But every cloud has a silver lining

I remember the time, out with the girls

Just a normal day.

People thought Hayley was ours.

That smile, full of Pride, but your Heart, full of pain.

I know how it feels to be a mule amongst a stable of horses.

Your barriers are up

But I will stay my course

Ready for when you’re ready (to let me in)

There is only a brick wall between us

But it feels like so much more

You’re nearby, but you feel so far away.

But I will stay my course.

You know the lengths I will go

To keep you safe

You saw it with your own eyes

I don’t need a poker face.

If someone raised a knife or a gun to hurt you

I’d push you to the floor

Take your place

And never be less than 100% sure.

I’ve pushed you away from oncoming cars

Jumped on a railway, when you fell

Ran into a burning building

Jumped into a frozen lake.

There is nothing I wouldn’t do.

Addiction

I walk down these aisles, staring at the floor

I know if I look up I’ll be wanting more

This compulsion is getting stronger

Quitting is getting harder.

This addiction’s grip is getting tighter

My screams for reprieve are getting louder

These scars will not heal

And I’ve lost all will power.

People assure me that I’ve got their support

But right now, it always seems to come up short

Because I’m in the middle of a Pandemic

And I can no longer bear it.

The Day You Came Back – 20/02/2011 @ 9.00pm

I still remember the day you came back

You were wearing a Phoenix shirt, shorts and sandals

I still remember the way you smelt

Like flowers, sun tan lotion, and sea salt.

You’re hair was so blonde, dyed from the sunlight

And you were so brown. Tanned. God, you looked different

But the one thing that didn’t

Was your smile.

I still remember the day you left.

You picked your things and just went.

Got on a plane, so far away.

Didn’t even say Goodbye.

When our eyes met in arrivals.

Something ignited in me

and I’ve been unable to explain it until recently

during that time we were apart…

I never stopped loving you.

CTBK

You raise your voice.

You’ve got an audience.

You “demand respect” from me,

and no one else.

Yet when it all falls down,

and hits the fan

you count on me

to come up with a plan

and I always relent.

But not this time.

No way.

You gotta be cruel to be kind.

#1202900362

Sit alone staring at the same four walls

Examine the whitewash with my eyes

There’s a crack from one end to the other

That’s where the water gets in

My eyes trace each path the cracks make

It’s been there ever since I moved in

Nothing will be done until the walls fall down

And then it’d be too late

No one would miss me here

I can’t remember the last time I saw the sky

The Sun, the Moon, the Stars.

There’s no world out here anymore.

No matter how long I spend asleep

I’m always tired

I can barely think straight

But that’s exactly what they want

They want you to stay quiet, dormant

Empty of emotion

I like the lack of emotion part

I’ve cried too many times

In the day,

The silence is deafening

But at night,

The cries,

The screams,

It’s unbearable.

Bee vs. Hornet

I’m better than Muhammed Ali, I don’t sting like a bee / I make like a hornet, and I do that shit for free / I’m not a one-hit-wonder, I do this like you wouldn’t believe / I make hits / like a violent parent / all my lyrics are original, so I can take the credit / and not have to share it / I’ll be around for a number of years / getting better as time progresses / just as if I’m shifting gears / and I’ve barely gotten out of neutral / and you’ll be the one who confesses / you get the shakes / that you just can’t take / from me tearing you apart / so go take some pills / to prevent an attack on your heart /

[Untitled 02-02-2010]

            It bleeps, lights up, vibrates. Hello’s are exchanged at half-past-eight. The thumb calms the fit of excitement from the morning contact. Letters form upon the screen, buttons tapped. “Message Sending”.

            She says she is fine, and doing well today, but her reply reads different. She seems distant. There are things she does, the way she responds, which let me know whether or not she’s being truthful.

            She tells me she’s taken her medication, but deep down, I know she’s lying. Normally she’d be chirpy by now. She also tells me that there are no new track marks on her arms. I ask her to prove it. She sends me the exact same photo each day. I’m surprised at how stupid she thinks I am.

            If we lived closer, maybe I could do more to help her. A hundred-and-forty-three miles isn’t exactly “just around the corner”, like I am to my other friends. I hear nothing all day, so I send her numerous text messages asking if she’s okay, and just as I’m about to call her, the phone bleeps, lights up, vibrates. It’s 11.57pm, and the message reads “Thanks for everything. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise.”

            I heard on Facebook she’s finally given in to temptation. Now all I have is the voice on her answering machine, and even that is full now…

S&M

[Disclaimer: Contains lyrics and works from Rihanna’s S&M. All rights belong to their respective owners, and I stand to receive NO funds from this piece, or its publication. Publication is for entertainment purposes only.]

“Feels so good being bad

There’s no way I’m turning back

Now the pain is my pleasure,

‘cause nothing could measure”

-

This affliction / is an addiction / we’ll momentarily share a connection / and share it with conviction / I’ll remove all restraint, replace it with corruption / we’ll go at it like we’re on commission / I got a prediction / we’ll be up all night, no interruption /

-

“ ‘cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it

Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But chains and whips excite me”

-

You know just what to do, and you do it with pride / our bodies collide / with a kiss at poolside / we’re thigh-to-thigh / our bodies tangled, they coincide / you need a release, that only I can provide / your hands are tied / you’re taking it in your stride / with nothing to hide / you’re all on show as I take topside / all your commands, I abide / until you ask me to touch you, request denied / ‘cuz I’m gonna take my time / …

-

“Oh, I love the feeling you bring to me, oh you turn me on

It’s exactly what I’ve been yearning for, give it to me strong

And meet me in my boudoir, make my body say

Ah ah ah

I like it – like it”

-

I know just how to push your buttons /. I know you’re a glutton / for my punishment, as you hit one dozen / we don’t need the courage of a Dutchman / to get things done / you summon / all your strength, but desire has got you coming, undone / ‘cuz I’m number one / I don’t pull a fast one / ‘cuz in the long run / it’s more fun / …

Thoughts Unorganised and Tangled Hearts

Attained from the wind, was a flying picture of you

And as obscure as it may seem, I was there too

I whispered “Where did this come from?”

And as soon as those words left my lips,

I felt a teardrop fall onto my head, as another picture fell

The photograph was ripped and smudged, but I could still see the faces

Your smile, so big I couldn’t see your eyes

Much like now

The tears drown the place where there used to be a beautiful blue

Leaving your grasp, out of the window, was yet another photograph.

This time a rose without its petals.

You must have been playing he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not with a loss as a result.

But it’s too hard to watch you in this melancholy

So, up the stairs I went.

Fourth door, to the right, I heard the sounds of your beautiful voice, though it was muffled.

“I loved him so much” were the words I could barely make out.

But these alone heartened me to continue my footsteps.

Opening the door was a mistake.

Regrettably, I carried on walking into the cold room.

Windows open, eyes shut.

Her face lay in the comfort of her pillow, as I rest my hand on hers.

Hoping for the long-awaited embrace.

She unexpectedly consents to my unspoken request.

Her shirt is soaked, but neither of us pay attention,

And I hold her forever

I stared into her dampened but bright eyes

And took a new picture of them with mine.

Nurses Rushing to Your Side (2005)

Nurses rushing to your side

Not noticing me, just passing me by

When I heard a long beep

I was hoping it was all a dream, and I was asleep

Everything in time stopped, and all I saw was you

Lying there in bed

Not believing you were actually dead

But in the end, I realised it was true

It was all true… and I had lost you

Nothing can keep me away from you

You’re always here in my heart

Even when I’m crying all night because it was your time to die

Nothing can keep us apart

Everybody rushing to my side

Asking me “are you all right?”

I force a smile, and say “I’m fine”, trying to make my feelings subside

But every time, I realise I will never again see your smile shine bright

I know that I won’t ever be all right.

At your funeral I was the only one who didn’t leave your coffin’s side (for hours)

Leaving you roses every day

Trying to put my feelings aside

But I know, after that day, I’ll always be in a sense of disarray

Nothing can keep me away from you

You’re always here in my heart

Even when I’m crying all night because your time was due

Nothing can keep us apart

A year to the day

I’m still crying, every night

Thinking of what Cancer did to you

It just wasn’t right…

Dear Dad

It’s been so long since

I have seen you. I

Wish I could talk to you

I wish I could hug you.

Dear Dad,

I miss you. I want you to

Come home. I am starting to forget

Your face, the way your eyes were

Always crinkled, and how when you

Kissed me goodnight, your beard tickled my nose.

Dear Dad,

I need you to come back

I know Heaven needs you

But I need you more. I miss

You so much. I can’t even

Begin to describe.

Dear Dad,

I love you, every day.

I want you to know that

I have always loves you,

And I wish I could take back

All the times I have told

You otherwise

Dear Dad,

You make me so mad!

Why did you die?

Why can ‘God’ see you every day

When I can’t see you anymore?

Why can’t you just come home?

Why did you leave me in the first place?

Dear Dad,

I need you

I miss you

I love you

But you confuse me

Yes, things were bad, but how

Could you just leave us

To pick up the pieces when you

Couldn’t take it anymore?

Dear Dad,

I give up

I am done trying to remember you

I am finished trying to hold onto you

I am tired of trying.

Dear Dad,

I love you

I miss you

I want you to come home

But I know you won’t

I know you can’t

I remember everything

Because you are a memory I can never  lose

Please forget what I said

Because I only said it

Thinking you would come back

And tell me how much you care

About me.

I forgive you for leaving me

And I will love you until the

Day I join you.

Dear Dad,

I love you…

Come home…

Dear Mother, Dear Father, Dear Brother, Dear Friend

Dear Mother.

I made a pretty picture

It’s all over the floor

I’d show you how I did it

But I can’t reach the door

Did you ever really love me?

Not as far as I could tell

I’m sorry but you’ve helped them

Make my life a living hell

The handle’s too far up

It’s locked and I have no key

But something horrible has happened

I just wish you could have seen

Dear Father.

Are you shouting loud enough?

‘cause I don’t think I can hear you

Be happy that I’m hurt

I don’t want to be anywhere near you

Did you ever really care

That you made me feel like shit?

I was just a slave to you

You used my life as you saw fit

Life with you was always a contest

Are you happy with me in pain?

Because of you, I’m a danger

You never really cared if I was okay

Dear Brother.

Where are you today?

Will you find yourself tonight?

In your reverie of pain

Please don’t start another fight

I see you’re really troubled

But I don’t give a damn

You never treated me

Like the human I am

Did you ever really smile

Or was it just mockery?

You’re an ass in the hole

Just another accessory.

Dear Friend.

I’m sorry that I did this

U wish it were better

There are things you need to know

That aren’t in this letter

I’m sorry I couldn’t stay

I knew I wouldn’t last

I told you not to worry

But that was in the past

I wish you could have heard me

The nights I cried for you

I know you said you loved me

But I wish it wasn’t true

I didn’t want to do it

But I felt I had no choice

Now I’m dead and gone

And all but you rejoice

If I could, I’d let you in

So you could see me one last time

But I lie still on the floor

Just know you’re always mine

Such an easy place to end it

This bathroom is my deathbed

Don’t waste your tears on me

Look at the blood that I have shed …

… that is still spilling from my arms

Pooling around me

I drowned in my depression

For all the world to see

Don’t end up like me

I beg you to get help

If I save you it’ll be

The last thing that I felt.

Hear me one last time

I love you, my best friend

Always and Forever

But I’m sorry, I’ve reached my end

See how much I love you

On the arm, on which I wrote,

I’m sorry dear [name removed]

This is my suicide note.

Why Daddy, Why?

I walked into the room to see you lying there in a puddle of blood

I fall to my knees

Tears rolling down my face

Screaming at the top of my lungs

I pick up the phone, dial 999

But I was too late

You were already gone

Now I spend my days wondering

Daddy why did you have to end your life?

Didn’t you know it’s hurt me in the end?

We were so close

And now we’re nothing

Now I’m left here, alone

Crying myself to sleep

Hospital stay after hospital stay

Wondering where tomorrow will take me

Why did it have to be you and not me?

I’ve tried so many times

It only took once for you

I will always remember the good times we shared

The jokes

The silly pictures

The long car rides

The talks about girls

The thought will always remain in my head

Why Daddy, why?