[Untitled 02-02-2010]

            It bleeps, lights up, vibrates. Hello’s are exchanged at half-past-eight. The thumb calms the fit of excitement from the morning contact. Letters form upon the screen, buttons tapped. “Message Sending”.

            She says she is fine, and doing well today, but her reply reads different. She seems distant. There are things she does, the way she responds, which let me know whether or not she’s being truthful.

            She tells me she’s taken her medication, but deep down, I know she’s lying. Normally she’d be chirpy by now. She also tells me that there are no new track marks on her arms. I ask her to prove it. She sends me the exact same photo each day. I’m surprised at how stupid she thinks I am.

            If we lived closer, maybe I could do more to help her. A hundred-and-forty-three miles isn’t exactly “just around the corner”, like I am to my other friends. I hear nothing all day, so I send her numerous text messages asking if she’s okay, and just as I’m about to call her, the phone bleeps, lights up, vibrates. It’s 11.57pm, and the message reads “Thanks for everything. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my promise.”

            I heard on Facebook she’s finally given in to temptation. Now all I have is the voice on her answering machine, and even that is full now…

S&M

[Disclaimer: Contains lyrics and works from Rihanna’s S&M. All rights belong to their respective owners, and I stand to receive NO funds from this piece, or its publication. Publication is for entertainment purposes only.]

“Feels so good being bad

There’s no way I’m turning back

Now the pain is my pleasure,

‘cause nothing could measure”

-

This affliction / is an addiction / we’ll momentarily share a connection / and share it with conviction / I’ll remove all restraint, replace it with corruption / we’ll go at it like we’re on commission / I got a prediction / we’ll be up all night, no interruption /

-

“ ‘cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it

Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But chains and whips excite me”

-

You know just what to do, and you do it with pride / our bodies collide / with a kiss at poolside / we’re thigh-to-thigh / our bodies tangled, they coincide / you need a release, that only I can provide / your hands are tied / you’re taking it in your stride / with nothing to hide / you’re all on show as I take topside / all your commands, I abide / until you ask me to touch you, request denied / ‘cuz I’m gonna take my time / …

-

“Oh, I love the feeling you bring to me, oh you turn me on

It’s exactly what I’ve been yearning for, give it to me strong

And meet me in my boudoir, make my body say

Ah ah ah

I like it – like it”

-

I know just how to push your buttons /. I know you’re a glutton / for my punishment, as you hit one dozen / we don’t need the courage of a Dutchman / to get things done / you summon / all your strength, but desire has got you coming, undone / ‘cuz I’m number one / I don’t pull a fast one / ‘cuz in the long run / it’s more fun / …

Thoughts Unorganised and Tangled Hearts

Attained from the wind, was a flying picture of you

And as obscure as it may seem, I was there too

I whispered “Where did this come from?”

And as soon as those words left my lips,

I felt a teardrop fall onto my head, as another picture fell

The photograph was ripped and smudged, but I could still see the faces

Your smile, so big I couldn’t see your eyes

Much like now

The tears drown the place where there used to be a beautiful blue

Leaving your grasp, out of the window, was yet another photograph.

This time a rose without its petals.

You must have been playing he-loves-me, he-loves-me-not with a loss as a result.

But it’s too hard to watch you in this melancholy

So, up the stairs I went.

Fourth door, to the right, I heard the sounds of your beautiful voice, though it was muffled.

“I loved him so much” were the words I could barely make out.

But these alone heartened me to continue my footsteps.

Opening the door was a mistake.

Regrettably, I carried on walking into the cold room.

Windows open, eyes shut.

Her face lay in the comfort of her pillow, as I rest my hand on hers.

Hoping for the long-awaited embrace.

She unexpectedly consents to my unspoken request.

Her shirt is soaked, but neither of us pay attention,

And I hold her forever

I stared into her dampened but bright eyes

And took a new picture of them with mine.

Nurses Rushing to Your Side (2005)

Nurses rushing to your side

Not noticing me, just passing me by

When I heard a long beep

I was hoping it was all a dream, and I was asleep

Everything in time stopped, and all I saw was you

Lying there in bed

Not believing you were actually dead

But in the end, I realised it was true

It was all true… and I had lost you

Nothing can keep me away from you

You’re always here in my heart

Even when I’m crying all night because it was your time to die

Nothing can keep us apart

Everybody rushing to my side

Asking me “are you all right?”

I force a smile, and say “I’m fine”, trying to make my feelings subside

But every time, I realise I will never again see your smile shine bright

I know that I won’t ever be all right.

At your funeral I was the only one who didn’t leave your coffin’s side (for hours)

Leaving you roses every day

Trying to put my feelings aside

But I know, after that day, I’ll always be in a sense of disarray

Nothing can keep me away from you

You’re always here in my heart

Even when I’m crying all night because your time was due

Nothing can keep us apart

A year to the day

I’m still crying, every night

Thinking of what Cancer did to you

It just wasn’t right…

Dear Dad

It’s been so long since

I have seen you. I

Wish I could talk to you

I wish I could hug you.

Dear Dad,

I miss you. I want you to

Come home. I am starting to forget

Your face, the way your eyes were

Always crinkled, and how when you

Kissed me goodnight, your beard tickled my nose.

Dear Dad,

I need you to come back

I know Heaven needs you

But I need you more. I miss

You so much. I can’t even

Begin to describe.

Dear Dad,

I love you, every day.

I want you to know that

I have always loves you,

And I wish I could take back

All the times I have told

You otherwise

Dear Dad,

You make me so mad!

Why did you die?

Why can ‘God’ see you every day

When I can’t see you anymore?

Why can’t you just come home?

Why did you leave me in the first place?

Dear Dad,

I need you

I miss you

I love you

But you confuse me

Yes, things were bad, but how

Could you just leave us

To pick up the pieces when you

Couldn’t take it anymore?

Dear Dad,

I give up

I am done trying to remember you

I am finished trying to hold onto you

I am tired of trying.

Dear Dad,

I love you

I miss you

I want you to come home

But I know you won’t

I know you can’t

I remember everything

Because you are a memory I can never  lose

Please forget what I said

Because I only said it

Thinking you would come back

And tell me how much you care

About me.

I forgive you for leaving me

And I will love you until the

Day I join you.

Dear Dad,

I love you…

Come home…

Dear Mother, Dear Father, Dear Brother, Dear Friend

Dear Mother.

I made a pretty picture

It’s all over the floor

I’d show you how I did it

But I can’t reach the door

Did you ever really love me?

Not as far as I could tell

I’m sorry but you’ve helped them

Make my life a living hell

The handle’s too far up

It’s locked and I have no key

But something horrible has happened

I just wish you could have seen

Dear Father.

Are you shouting loud enough?

‘cause I don’t think I can hear you

Be happy that I’m hurt

I don’t want to be anywhere near you

Did you ever really care

That you made me feel like shit?

I was just a slave to you

You used my life as you saw fit

Life with you was always a contest

Are you happy with me in pain?

Because of you, I’m a danger

You never really cared if I was okay

Dear Brother.

Where are you today?

Will you find yourself tonight?

In your reverie of pain

Please don’t start another fight

I see you’re really troubled

But I don’t give a damn

You never treated me

Like the human I am

Did you ever really smile

Or was it just mockery?

You’re an ass in the hole

Just another accessory.

Dear Friend.

I’m sorry that I did this

U wish it were better

There are things you need to know

That aren’t in this letter

I’m sorry I couldn’t stay

I knew I wouldn’t last

I told you not to worry

But that was in the past

I wish you could have heard me

The nights I cried for you

I know you said you loved me

But I wish it wasn’t true

I didn’t want to do it

But I felt I had no choice

Now I’m dead and gone

And all but you rejoice

If I could, I’d let you in

So you could see me one last time

But I lie still on the floor

Just know you’re always mine

Such an easy place to end it

This bathroom is my deathbed

Don’t waste your tears on me

Look at the blood that I have shed …

… that is still spilling from my arms

Pooling around me

I drowned in my depression

For all the world to see

Don’t end up like me

I beg you to get help

If I save you it’ll be

The last thing that I felt.

Hear me one last time

I love you, my best friend

Always and Forever

But I’m sorry, I’ve reached my end

See how much I love you

On the arm, on which I wrote,

I’m sorry dear [name removed]

This is my suicide note.

Why Daddy, Why?

I walked into the room to see you lying there in a puddle of blood

I fall to my knees

Tears rolling down my face

Screaming at the top of my lungs

I pick up the phone, dial 999

But I was too late

You were already gone

Now I spend my days wondering

Daddy why did you have to end your life?

Didn’t you know it’s hurt me in the end?

We were so close

And now we’re nothing

Now I’m left here, alone

Crying myself to sleep

Hospital stay after hospital stay

Wondering where tomorrow will take me

Why did it have to be you and not me?

I’ve tried so many times

It only took once for you

I will always remember the good times we shared

The jokes

The silly pictures

The long car rides

The talks about girls

The thought will always remain in my head

Why Daddy, why?

Lyrical Slay

I’m Lyrical Slay /

Murder, Death, Kill, MDK /

You say your rhymes are “sick”, but the only way you’d be “ill”, is if you had the flu /

I got better flow than the So Solid Crew /

I’ll shock and embarrass you /

Show you up in front of your fam’ too /

I got more bite than Mike Tyson /

You suck even more than a Dyson /

You

You are the air that I breathe

You are the water that I drink

You are the wind that disturbs my hair

You are the earth that I stand on

(You’re there when I need you)

You are the Sun, which I look up to

You are my all

You are my nothing

You control my life, and you control my death

(You are always around)

You are my peace inside

You are the chaos outside

You are my love

You are my hate

(You are everything between)

You are my Saviour

You are my King

(You sacrificed everything for us)

The Wave

He keeps them open

But they never seem to shut

Burning the wood he used to knock on

But it never brought them any luck

Lips sewn tightly together

With thoughts of the morning

A man walks alone

Nobody sees him, nobody knows

What happened to me?

Nobody answers

Where have I gone?

I’ve become a ripple in the Ocean

The wave was pulled over my head

And I went to sleep

I could if I wanted to

But it’s such a relief

The air is so stale now

I’ll hold my breath

I’ve changed my mind, but still,

You tear me away

I’ve changed my mind, but still,

You take me away

Burn

[Disclaimer: Contains lyrics and works from Usher’s Burn. All rights belong to their respective owners, and I stand to receive NO funds from this piece, or its publication. Publication is for entertainment purposes only.]

-

“Girl,

I don’t understand why

See it’s burning me to hold onto this

I know this is something I’ve gotta do

But that don’t mean I want to

What I’m trying to say is – I-Love-You, I just

It’s burning me to, let it go now, than hold on to hurt you,

I gotta let it burn”

-

It hurts that I’m writing this /

Let alone saying it /

It’s gonna sicken you /

But you know it’s the truth /

We’re not right for each other /

We used to be, but things have happened, one after another /

We’re experiencing the problems that just can not be resolved /

So it’d just be better if the relationship was dissolved /

And we could do our best to move on amicably /

Because we can not magically /

Go back to what we used to be /

That doesn’t mean /

That I didn’t wish that was the case /

And I know I’ll never replace / you /

And I don’t really want to /

But this relationship is laced /

With mistrust /

And I really think we’ve had enough /

-

“It’s gonna burn for me to say this

It’s coming from the heart

It’s been a long time coming

But we done fell apart

Really wanna work this out

But I don’t think you’re gonna change

I do, but you don’t, think it’s best we go our separate ways

Tell me why I should stay in this relationship

When I’m hurting baby, I ain’t happy baby

Plus there’s so many other things I gotta deal with

I think that you should, let it burn”

-

I know you must be wondering / if I would do it all again / knowing what happened / and I hope you find it comforting / that I would happily go through it all again / and again / for the rest of my life, like Groundhog Day / but to my dismay / I can’t. I’d love to go back to the start / when my heart / felt like it would explode / but somehow we took a wrong turn at a cross road /

-

“Deep down you know it’s best for yourself

But you hate the thought of seeing her with someone else

But you know that it’s over

We know that it’s through

Let it burn

Let it burn

Gotta let it burn”

-

But what happens if we’re meant to be forever? / What do I have left? Moreover / what do I do now? Wherever I go, I’ll be reminded of you / whoever / I’m with would never compare / to you / whatever / happens, I will always care / because the time we shared / together / will be in my head and heart forever / it’s hard to hold back these tears / as I think of you reading this / just remember I’ll always be here / I’ll never disappear /

-

“I’m twisted ‘cuz one side of me is tellin’ me I need to move on

On the other side, I

Wanna break down and cry”…

All or Nothing

Last time you saw me

I was on a downhill slide

Left me with left to nothing

Barely let me keep my pride

But the tables are turning baby

Everything’s gonna work out right

Too bad you didn’t see it coming, hey?

I’m gonna take it all tonight

My chips are all in and I’m waiting for my shot

I keep seeing in your eyes that this one’s gonna be your pot

I caught you in a bluff and this time Lady Luck

Is on my side

All or nothing

It’s time for you to choose

All or nothing

Got nothing left to lose

All or nothing

Can’t afford to walk away

All or nothing

This time I’m gonna make you pay

Here’s a piece of advice, girl

You really should take it to heart

Don’t lay everything out so early

Or your game will fall apart

You left your world wide open

I know everything you’re trying to hide

There’s no way you can beat me darlin’

I’ve got the upper hand this time

My chips are all in and I’m waiting for my shot

I keep seeing in your eyes that this one’s gonna be your pot

I caught you in a bluff and this time Lady Luck

Is on my side

If I’m wrong it’s gonna break me, but I’m prepared to pay the cost

‘Cause there is never been a better chance to take back what I’ve lost

So let’s just throw it all in and sit back for the ride…

A Lie

I’m staring at the electric box called a TV

All the flashing images make me uneasy

There’s no set subject

Except one massive lie to the public

Bin Laden, Saddam, and criminals

All set to terrorise the

“Free World”

But that’s quite hard

Since the world is so far from free

It’s really not that hard to see…

That this is a lie

It wont matter how hard you try

Fake nightmares will ruin your life

Democracy is dead

All thanks to hypocrisy

Everyone says that

Third World countries are caught in a landslide

So tell me why I cant go outside

Without fear

Of a loaded gun being pointed at my head

Justified by saying their kids need to be fed

Stop staring at the sky

You should know by now that this is a …

LIE!

They don’t care, no matter how

Many tears you cry

You’re so naïve to actually believe that shit

They’re feeding you

And you eat it all up

Democracy is dead

The Government has made its bed

This cant be the end

All these kids don’t know how to fend

For their lives

They won’t survive …

My Eyes are Closed

My eyes are closed, but I can still see the light

My eyes are closed, but the light’s still so bright

My eyes are closed, body paralysed with fright

I open my eyes to a beautiful sight

That sight is you

I’ve regained all feeling

My expression’s deceiving

Thoughts revealing

In the midst of R.E.M dreaming

I’m dreaming of a rose, the symbol of love

Dreamin’ of the Ace of Hearts, symbol of romance

But most-of-all, I’m dreamin’ of you

Most of all, dreamin’ of you

Battle Reply - 3StylaZ (2005)

I don’t want no waste MC’s /

Sounding like Mister Blobby /

Tryna come and hype to me /

‘Cuz they don’t take me seriously /

I mean /

Im so tasty, I’m like Cookies and Cream /

My rhymes are polished like Mister Sheen /

Everyone chats about Kanye West, but I’m the Great British dream /

Yeah, when I get up on the scene /

All you can hear are cheers and screams /

Cuz, I’m not always how I seem /

Hold tight, Storm Entertainment team / …

When it comes to grime / I’m the dictator /

When it comes to rhymes / I’m the liberator /

When it comes to crime / I’m the castrator /

When it comes to time / I’m the terminator /

Don’t step to me / like you’re high on LSD /

Or I’ll hype to you and your wifey /

When I’m done with you, your face will be on TV /

For your murder in the first degree /

Don’t hype to me with your STD /

I got standards. Come on, honestly /

Do you really think you can get me? /

Bruv, don’t get rude, don’t get shirty /

Call me one day if you wanna fight dirty /

‘Cuz right now, you’re coming across all too flirty /

Don’t chat like you’re gonna hurt me /

Don’t chat like you’re gonna merk me /

Prick.

Insane

“Turn around

Let me see your face

Tell me what he did to you

How it all took place…

Why he rose the fist

Why he struck you

How we will move on from here

What will we do?”

In my life, I’ve had heartache and pain

And I hoped you can put me together again

But you broke my heart

And smashed me apart

You have a weird way of making me conform

And like a circus animal, I do perform

It’s kinda like “Do exactly as I say (or else)

Or I will make you pay…”

There is no way that I could heal this pain

To stay with you now would just be insane.

Truth Spoken from Violence

I've been lost
so long now
and I'm so tired of running
Tired of the fear...

I chose to stay but at what cost?
A smile can not hide this frown
I can't go on lying, sinning...
I want someone other than you, here

Your violence was just too much
Your voice haunts my dreams
I tried telling myself you're the one
But I've just been kidding myself

It's not like I'm in love, as such
I've gone mad, it seems
How could I have been so dumb?
I'm only staying with you for the good of my health
How can I tell you how I feel,
without you raising your hand?
How can I tell you what I think,
without you raising a fist?

You say I'm nothing without you, how can I reveal
You are not the one I imagine, hand in hand
walking on sand?
And before I look to the bottom of another bottle,
and take another drink...

Think about who took you under their wing.

Tear us Apart

Too often we realise we don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone

We’re often too stubborn to say, “Sorry, I was wrong”

Too often, it seems, we hurt the ones closest to our hearts.

And we let the most foolish things tear us apart.

Unanswered SOS Call

We’re in the calm before the storm

There’s no one around to rescue us

We’ve hit an iceberg

We’re taking on water

But we are the Captain’s of this ship

So we’ll stay

Even though we’re going down

Even though we’re doomed

We’re handcuffed together

On the bed of our relationship

We’ve reached a stalemate

A twelve foot tall brick wall

We both want to move forward

Hand-in-hand, together

This ship is sinking

But we’re not about to jump.

And as we take our last breath

We’re in each other’s arms

Embracing on the deck of a sinking ship

Slow dancing in a burning room.

Memories

All that I gave of us is memories

The notes have faded

Photo’s lost in time

All that’s left are memories.

Why did you walk away?

You travelled to the other side of the world

Just to get away from me

You didn’t even say goodbye

Left me to pick up the pieces

Then just when I thought I was fine

You just waltzed back in my life

You always had the key.