I sat outside on a park bench, staring through the windows of the building in front of me. People were walking around in the business of the High Street on a Saturday afternoon, but I had no idea of what any of them looked like. Im not blind, I was just concentrating, and concentrating hard.
So many thoughts were running through my head. I was thinking of the consequences to the actions I would take, when I picked one of the two possibilities. If I picked the first, I would still have exactly the same problems. If I picked the second, all my problems would be solved.
But if my family found out I was sat here, thinking about doing this, then id lose them, again. My wife, my kids, for good. Everything that I love. We are finding it hard to cope. Im not around as much as my kids would like me to be. But, if I cut down on my hours at work, we will struggle to pay the bills. We struggle enough.
When my David was born, I saw that such a little thing would need taking care of, and when I saw his face, I made him a promise. I swore that I would give him whatever he wanted. Keep him safe. How can I keep him safe when him never around? How can I give him whatever he needs when I can barely pay the bills?
I’m about to make the biggest decision of my life. It’s a gamble, but I like my odds.