When we got back, she walked straight into the bedroom. I made her a cup of tea and went to give it to her, but the door was locked. I knocked softly, but there was no reply. I left the cup outside the door, in case she changed her mind.
I went and laid on the sofa, sinking into the cushions. They were really soft, but not soft enough. I wanted them to swallow me whole, transport me to a parallel universe, where everything was still perfect. It’s cliché to say I felt like the Earth had been ripped out from underneath my feet. But that’s exactly how I felt. God knows how she felt.
I lay there, stuck in a daydream, my mind replaying what had happened. After a while, my eyes drifted onto the bags of gifts we had been given just days earlier. Boxes and gift bags full of stuff we would now never get to open. We wouldn’t be able to bear it. But, when we were ready, we would give them all back, in the vain hope that they had kept their receipts. It would be the least of their worries, but though.
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December 11th
We’ve had phone calls and messages ‘just to see how you guys are. Call me, please?’ We’ll get texts and voicemails from both of our families, and all of our close friends, and yet, nearly all of them sound exactly the same. No originality. Just because they don’t understand. They could never understand.
Visitors at the door come with Pyrex dishes of lasagne, casseroles, and other meals to ‘save you from cooking’, we would reluctantly ask for them to come in, just out of politeness. They would say yes, and just walk in. Can’t they see we just want to be alone?
They take one look at the mess and I can tell, they feel even more uncomfortable. They even try and tidy up for us. That gets Jen agitated. She shouts at them to get out and leave us alone. Of course, they’re sympathetic and try to apologise, but that’s not enough.
April 27th
They’ve forgotten about us. They’ve moved on with their lives. Jack and Sarah are getting married, and my sister is pregnant. We didn’t find out from them though. We found out through Twitter and Facebook. We haven’t heard from them in weeks. We haven’t received an invitation to the wedding, and I have no idea when Mel’s baby is due. Even the bar invitations stopped after half a dozen of our excuses.
While they’re moving on, we’re still stuck in the past. The snow is gone, the sun still rises in the east and sets in the west, the birds still sing in the morning, and the foxes still rag the bin bags at night; but we are still stuck in the past.
May 11th
Jen and I barely speak these days. She took her ring off two weeks ago because she ‘was washing my hands’ but she hasn’t put it back on since. I can’t really expect anything less when we haven’t even slept in the same room for almost six months.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love her, but I can’t see hoe we can move on. When I try to talk to her about what happened, we just start arguing. She blames me, and I’ll admit, I’ve blamed her in the past. It’s hard for us to believe that neither of us is to blame, that this wasn’t either of our faults.
Jen quit her job, so we’re struggling with the bills. I now work a seven day week, just so we can make ends meet. The hustle and bustle of a city is completely different to our flat when I get back. Complete silence, unless the TV is on.
We don’t leave the flat together unless it’s to do the food shopping, or to our therapy appointments. Other than those two trips a week, she doesn’t leave the flat at all. At least, I don’t think she does.
I spend hours at night, when I think she’s asleep, just remembering how we used to be. Nights curled up in front of the TV, comfortable and content. How could this happen? We were told it wasn’t anything we did, or didn’t do, so what was it?
Could it have been the mobile phone masts nearby? Maybe it was all the E numbers we eat, were we getting enough exercise? I just don’t know. Our doctor said that only time will tell if we could try again, but first, we need to save our relationship.